2003-04-09 - 10:12 p.m.

Unfounded Fear

I was starting to suspect that I am being stalked.  It all started a few weeks ago when I went to a show at the theater where I take my improv classes.  It was one of those spur of the moment decisions where I decided about 30 minutes before show time to go.  I jumped in the truck, headed downtown, got to the theater, got a ticket and took a seat.  About 10 minutes before the show started a woman came in alone and asked me if the seat in the row in front of me was free.

We talked for a few minutes and she invited me to sit with her, so I did.  She seemed like a nice sort of woman, maybe late 20's early 30's, short red hair, sort of a big girl.  We chatted before the show.  We talked during intermission and she kept hinting that she would be at one of the shows next weekend.  And she hinted that she lived close by.  I could tell she liked me, but I just was not interested in her so I just kept side stepping the hints.

She knows one of the guys in my last improv class, a really funny guy named Tom.  We talked a little about him and some of the other people we both know.  It was nice that she seemed attracted to me, but I wanted to make sure I didn't lead her on.

A few days later at my next improv class Tom asked me, from across the room, do I know a woman named Elizabeth.  I told him that I had just me her a few days before.  Tom said, "Hmm.  From the way she was talking I figured you two have known each other for a long time."

Gulp.

What did she say about me?  What sort of impression had I made on her?  Why me?

For the rest of the class Tom hardly participated and when the class was over he rolled out kind of quickly (in his wheelchair).  One of the guys asked where he was going and he told him it was none of his business.  He didn't show up for the next class.  I asked him about it later and he said he was sick.

What the hell?  Had I become an unwitting participant in some sort of triangle?  Whatever it was sort of blew over and I didn't really worry about it again.  But it was always in the back of my mind.

So that improv class ended. We had our performance. It was great.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  I signed up for another one.  I did just didn't want to go too long without the creative outlet it gives me.  Last week I got an email from the new instructor of the class.  He does not seem to know about blind carbon copy, or bcc as it is known, because he sent a mass email to me and the other people in the class listing all of our email address.  It is one of those things that is considered impolite netiquette to give email addresses to strangers.  Anyway, Elizabeth's email address was on the list.  She had signed up for the class!

That's an odd coincidence.  I had pretty much told everyone in the last class I was in I am taking the next one.  I'm sure one of our mutual acquaintances mentioned it to her.

So I went to the class last night after work.  The stalker woman was there and she kept her distance, for the most part.  For some reason we wound up standing next to each other during most of the exercises.  But she did not acknowledge that we have ever spoken to each other before.  We chatted a little.  For some reason the subject of marriage came up during one of our improv exercises.  And in another scene we went to a party together.

Hmm.  Funny how that happened.

This class is going to be quite different from the last class I took.  For one thing, the majority of the students are women.  Of 10 or so students only 4 of us are men.  And it is an older mix, too.  Three or four students have done improv before.  The instructor is a very funny guy named Chris.  He is one of the founding members of the theater.

I am going to learn a lot from all of these people.  And I don't think Elizabeth is going to stalk me.

Today at work I told Kevin that my fear was unfounded and that she had made no overt moves toward me.  He said I was wrong.  Kevin explained to me that that is what stalking about.  Stalkers do not make overt moves.  If they do they are not stalking.  He has been stalking the Swiss girl who works in our building for several years now.  He is not going to go up to her and talk to her.  He does not want to. He just wants to watch her from a distance and make elaborate fantasies in his head.

I guess he has a point.

There is a rumor at work that I may get to go on a two day trip to New York in May.  One of our clients will have a new training and they want me to be in on it since Kevin will be out of town. This is one of Kevin's accounts.  I don't know if it will really happen.  If I go that will leave our department short handed.

When my boss asked me about it I quickly put up a lot of reasons why I should not go.  This was part of my new strategy for working with him.  He is the sort of person who hates an unsolved problem.  But he only solves problems by talking you out of things and giving you more work to do.  So as soon as I started telling him that it would leave us short handed and but me behind in my work by the time I get back he started giving me reasons why I should go to New York.

I did the same thing to him last week when we were trying to get caught up so I could have Friday off.  Every time he asked me if I was going to take Friday off I told him that it did not look like it was going to happen. I would brush him off because I was so very busy.

By the end of the week he conceded that I really needed to get Friday off even if we had not met all of the departmental goals.  It is as I figured.  I give him reasons why it won't work and he finds a way to see that it does.

I hate to play games like this at work, but I have few choices left.

Depression has set in.  I was hoping to have made more progress in my job search by now.  But I have had to work so hard at my current job that I have had little time to search for another one.  Funny how that worked out.

Like now, for instance.  I should be looking for work right now, but instead I am writing.  But I needed to do this. It has been so long since I wrote in my diary I am afraid people would begin to think that I have abandoned it. Saturday will be my one year anniversary on Diaryland.  I have considered upgrading to Gold Membership, but I have not had time to spend on my diary so I guess I will have to put that on hold for a while.

I have really lost touch with a lot of my favorites.  But there is so much to do and so little time during the day in which to do it.

This past weekend I just collapsed.  I was on call all week and that left me in a pissy mood.  I have been working so hard since the beginning of the year, like 45 and 50 hour weeks, and I don't seem to be profiting from it.  I am working harder to tread water.

I was reviewing my natal chart last night, that is a horoscope picture of where the planets were at the moment of my birth, and reading about what has influenced my personality and my life.  Although I have a pretty good chart with a lot of good planets in good places, there is one placement that indicates that I will always have to work hard for what I earn.  Great.  I really do things the hard way.

For example, yesterday at work Ben asked me if the content of an email he was writing was suitable for one of our clients.  I looked at it and told him that I would not do it that way.  I would take the info he had slapped together and create one easy to understand report.  It would take longer, but in the end it would help keep questions to a minimum and it would obscure the source of the information giving him more control over what the client had access to.  He thought about it for a moment and said, "It would take too long to do it that way." And he sent it out the way he had it.

I realized this was the crux of how I operate.  I like to control the information flow.  Ben does not.  He expects everyone to be able to just look at a pile of paper, pull the relevant info from it and be satisfied with what is there. He put the email together in 15 minutes, sent it and was done. I would have worked on it for an hour (when I finally found the time to do it) and sent it out formatted for one specific use.

Of course, Ben is harshly criticized and constantly scrutinized.  The president of the company and our new boss have it out for him and would be very happy if he quit.  His corner cutting has caused a lot of complaints from our clients and he was on probation for about a month.

I generally get high praise from my clients. And don't have to defend myself as often as Ben does.  Or, for that matter, as often as Kevin does.

Ugh.  Work.  I sat down the other day and tried to figure out on paper if there was any way I could drop out again.  What is the smallest amount of money I would need to get by?  Is there any way I can quit my job and just take acting classes and write and perform?

The figures did not bring me much comfort. It takes a lot of money to live.  Living on an income of zero does not seem to be a choice right now.

Too bad.  I am ready for a long, long break.  I wonder if I will ever have that again.  After I quit my bookstore job back in 1997 (I think) I just lounged around for a few years until the money ran out.  I was not very productive, but I did rejuvenate myself.  I had burned out working retail.  Now I have burned out again.

I'll figure something out.  I always do.

Jimmy
 

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