2003-01-30 - 11:26 p.m.

What Happened?

I don't know what happened.  Last night I got into bed, checked my alarm clock, turned off the light and tried to go to sleep.  I was still keyed up from the day and was replaying everything in my head, but I finally drifted off to sleep.  I woke up several times during the night, as I always do, but the next thing I knew I had a strange feeling that something was wrong.

I looked over at my alarm clock and it was 8:30!  That is very bad because I am supposed to be at work at 8:30.  My alarm usually goes off around 6 a.m.  I usually get up around 6:30 and I'm out the door a little after 7.  I looked at my alarm clock and the alarm had been turned off.  Turned off?  When did that happen?

You see, my clock can't be turned off by accident.  I bought the clock for that very reason. It has a battery backup, it has a snooze button, and it has a special switch on the side that has to be clicked either on or off.  It was on when I went to sleep.  How on earth did I manage to switch it off?  I have no memory of it.

I called Ben and told him I had slept late and would be in as soon as I could.  I got up, went to the bathroom and took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, shaved my face and was heading back to my bedroom to get dressed when I noticed that the light was on in my tv room.  When did I do that?  Did I even go into that room this morning?  I don't remember doing it. When did I turn on the light?  Why did I go in there?  It makes no sense.

My sister did not go in there.  I asked her tonight and she said she did not and I believe her.  I must have done it and forgot.

And I also noticed I have several scratches on my left arm.  When did that happen?

Is my subconscious up to something?  Did I do this in my sleep?  I have never been a sleepwalker before.

And here is the weird part, absolutely no one cared that I was an hour and a half late for work.  All of the bosses are out of town so they never knew it.  And all of my coworkers said it didn't matter.

If there ever was a good time to be late for no good reason today was it.  I was so tired.  I wished there was some way I could sleep in but I knew that I could not. And yet I did.

This sort of scares me.  I don't like having black out periods.  Am I really that distracted that I do not remember turning off my alarm clock?

The day sort of flowed along.  I got some work done.  I keep getting interrupted by coworkers who have little to do so they come by to talk.  After work I went to the mall to get a birthday gift and card for my niece.  I got a couple of things for her.  One of the things is a watch.  I think it is pretty cool.  It is a fossil.  I hope she likes it, but I can never tell.  Usually she says something nice about the gift, but that is the last I ever hear of it.  I wonder if I am giving her gifts like my uncles and aunts used to give me.  Usually it was something that I could never use in a million years and was puzzled by why they thought I would want such a thing.  Like a velour sweater or a framed print of a horse and buggy.

How do I know I am not just giving her my version of that?  I try to put some thought into it, but she lives so far away these days and I am not as close to her as I used to be when she was little.  But I do try to just use my intuition and get something fun.

Jennifer will be 20 years old.  My little Jen Jen will no longer be a teenager.  I spoke to her for a few minutes tonight and she says she does not want to leave her teens.  I suggested she call this birthday 19A.  She laughed but I think she really is not looking forward to being 20.

My mother, sister and I will drive to South Carolina where she lives this weekend to visit her.  We will drive up Saturday, have dinner with her, hang out a little on Sunday and then come back that afternoon.  It will be a lot of driving, but it should be a good trip.  At Christmas Jennifer said she wanted my grandmother to come so we all agreed.  Her father, my brother who lives here, is not going.  I don't think he likes traveling with us.  I think it interferes with his smoking and drinking and he does not like being uncomfortable or sober for too long.

I don't think his kids expect very much from him.  I have a similar relationship with my father.  One day I hope to be married and have children of my own.  There is no way on this earth I would let my child's birthday go by without seeing him or her.  I learned a long time ago that it is these events that stay with people through their entire lives.

Which is why when I think of my own birthdays I remember the effort my mother put forth to make me a cake or a special meal or a give me a funny birthday card and I remember my father usually letting the day pass without noticing.  Once it was brought to his attention he would give me some cash.

Once my father literally took a five dollar bill out of the pile of money he had in front of him during a poker game and said, "Is today your birthday?  Here!"  It was late at night, he was sitting around a table with his buddies, they were all drinking, smoking and gambling.  He had no idea it was my birthday.  I guess he was not at home earlier when we had the cake and presents.  But, God bless him, he stopped what he was doing for 15 seconds and handed me some cash.  And what 7 year old kid does not value money?  Who needs toys when you can have several dollars?

My poor, poor father.  He never had a clue. Still doesn't.  It's sad, really.

What an effect this had on me.  My friends all wonder why I don't like a big party for my birthday.  I tell them that when you grow up with an alcoholic parent most holidays and events have a horror story associated with them.

What a downer.  What a weird day.  Tomorrow will be a long day.  I had better get to bed!

Jimmy
 

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